Boundaries

Help! My Phone Is Impacting My Relationships!

If the title of this blog resonates with you, know that you are not alone. Many couples are currently navigating how to adapt to new technologies in a way that balances with their relationships. I have personally pondered this issue for a long time in my own experience with my husband. Our relationship began long before the advent of emails and texting. Like most couples in America, we acquired our first smartphones several years ago. We were thrilled at the ease of instant availability and connection. Then, our relationship subtly began to change. Often after a long day at work, we found ourselves mindlessly checking texts, playing a game, or messing with Facebook. We started to notice moments of irritation and even sadness seeping into our time together. What was happening? There was nothing wrong with playing a harmless game or checking work emails, so why did we find ourselves feeling frustrated with each other?

Around that time, I listened to a podcast where Sherry Turkle described the new challenges devices bring into the interactional patterns between partners, as well as parents and children. My husband and I began to take notice of the subtle impact our phones had on our interactions. We were not as attentive to each other, a little distracted, during down times and unstructured moments. We decided to experiment with ways to balance our technologies within our relationship in a way that protected the closeness we desired.

What are interactional patterns in relationships?

An interactional pattern happens when we make “bids” for connection, and those bids are either received or missed by our partners. A successful interaction happens when partners are emotionally responsive to each other’s bids. These unsuccessful interactions, these “missed bids,” begin to create little nagging insecurities and uncertainties about the relationship that can build over time.

What is a bid?

“Bids” are the active ingredient in a relationship. Gottman shows how people make bids in the fine grain of everyday life, often without knowing they are doing it: “Did you hear about…,” or “You’ll never guess what my sister told me today.” Much is happening all the time in the form of these signals that partners are often unaware they are sending. These signals—these bids—are nonverbal as well as verbal: a wink, a smile, a shoulder rub, a gentle shove, or a mutual look of understanding about a friend’s quirks. What matters, Gottman suggests, is not depth of intimacy in conversation, or even agreement or disagreement, but rather how people pay attention to each other no matter what they talk about or do. What matters is the quality of attention.” (Dan Wile, 2010)

What is emotional responsiveness and why is it important?

According to Sue Johnson, the key indicator of a secure bond is the presence of emotional responsiveness. In essence, emotional responsiveness is the ability to respond to our partner’s bids for connection. We need to know that our significant other is available and willing to be there when we need them. A useful tool to understand emotional responsiveness is the acronym A.R.E:

Accessibility – Can I reach you? Are you there for me?

Responsiveness – Can I rely on you to respond to me?

Engagement – Do I matter to you? (Johnson, 2008)

relationships with smartphonesThe fabric of our relationship is built on a consistent flow of checking in, often in tiny unstructured moments. Is my partner accessible? Can I count on him/her to be there when I need them? Do I matter? Our devices can impede the interactional flow between bids for connection and emotional responsiveness. We miss the subtle shifts in tone and nonverbal facial gestures that offer vital information. Relational interactions get out of sync when bids for connection are missed. Over time partners experience missed bids for connection as indifference and may stop bidding altogether. Multitasking connection can lead to disaster. Relationships thrive on full presence.

Smartphone Interference 

Smartphones are not going anywhere, and they serve many important functions in current life.  However, I am reassured that my husband and I are not alone in navigating this new relationship with technology. Over the past couple of years, research has validated the potential problems that phone use can create with our emotional responsiveness to the people we love.  

The most recent issue of Psychology Today explored some of the current challenges couples and families are facing in relationship with their technological devices; technoference, Iphone Effect, Absent Presence: 

  • Technoference (term coined by Sarah Coyne) – 70% of couples report that face-to-face conversations were stopped in their tracks by partner’s phone use or even active texting. 
  • IPhone Effect (term coined by Shalina Misra): The mere presence of a smartphone degrades private conversations making partners less willing to disclose their deep feelings and develop understanding.
  • Absent Presence (term coined by Kenneth Gergen): smartphones fragment human consciousness and lower quality of conversation. The diminished empathy comes about through our habitual use of devises. Communication becomes marked by delayed responses and lack of eye contact. The rhythms of responsiveness and synchronicity of feelings degrades. What comes across is indifference. (Psychology Today)

How can I create balance between my relationships and my devices?

Smartphones may pull our attention, but we can implement changes that create the balance and closeness we desire. In my own relationship, we have found that it is essential to maintain awareness between the use of our phones and our ability to be available to each other. We continue to negotiate changes as needed any time we notice we are out of sync in our relationship or with our children.

I have also taken some time to talk with friends and family about their own challenges with balancing their relationships and technologies. I have learned some terrific ideas of things to try:

  • Implement “cell free” zones at family meal times, running errands, and coffee time. My husband and I love our “cell free” coffee time every morning. We start off the day connected and in sync.
  • Tech Sabbath (http://www.onbeing.org/program/tiffany-shlain-growing-up-the-internet/8545) – Take a day off each week from checking emails. Enjoy cooking together, folding laundry with the kids, running to soccer games, etc.
  • Vacation responder – Set vacation responder while on vacation to protect the time with your partner/family.
  • Airplane mode – A friend of mine who is a medical doctor set her phone on airplane mode during her family vacation. She was able to turn work off and soak in her time with her husband and children. When she turned her phone back on, she was inundated with texts and emails. But, she said it was worth it to be free of distractions and feel connected again with her family.
  • One of my friends told me that he exchanged his smartphone for a flip phone for a couple of years. After time at work all day on a computer he wanted to create a break from emails and Facebook at home. He found that his time away from a smartphone now helps him use it when he needs it and set it aside more easily.

A great way to experiment and implement changes is to talk openly with the people you love. Psychology Today has a helpful list of discussion points to get you started on creating balance in a way that best fits your relationship:

Discussion Points:

  • What are your expectations about tech use by your partner and by you?
  • Exactly what kind of contact does each partner regard as cheating?
  • What is appropriate to disclose about the relationship; about your spouse?
  • Do you exchange passwords or not?
  • Do you tell your partner whom you are texting?
  • When is it okay to be anonymous online?
  • What, if any, places in the home are off-limits to electronic devices?
  • What are some potential times to set tech free zones?
  • What are the rules for the car?
  • When is it okay to post photos of your children?
  • How much checking on each other is okay?

Some people, friends or coworkers, might not understand why you would turn your phone off or set aside times to be unavailable. That is okay. You are setting a protective boundary around those little moments of emotional connection with the people most precious to you. Remember you are not alone. These technologies are new and all of us are navigating how to adapt in a way that balances our relationships with the precious people in our lives.

Managing Anger In Relationships

I recently had the honor of facilitating a class about healthy relationship practices. During one discussion about the importance of anger as an emotion, we examined how anger in relationships can be detrimental if we are not gentle with those we love. Anger is neither good nor bad. In fact, it is an essential emotion for our health and safety, and part of a healthy human experience. Anger can alert us to unjust treatment, and gives us needed energy to address harmful behavior.

“Negative emotions most likely aid in our survival. Bad feelings can be vital clues that a health issue, relationship or other important matter needs attention. The survival value of negative thoughts and emotions may help explain why suppressing them is so fruitless. Even if you successfully avoid contemplating a topic, your subconscious may still dwell on it.” (Negative Emotions Are Key to Well-Being, Scientific American, 5/1/13)

But anger is not a thinking emotion. Our ability to think clearly is diminished when we are angry. The front part of our brain goes dim. In the midst of conflict we can say and do things we later regret. We can protect our relationship when we first cool down and then seek to understand each another.

Seek to Understand

The goal of conflict in a relationship is to understand each other. The relationship loses when someone has to win. During times of conflict, relationships can actually grow and become stronger when our conversation focuses on understanding and care. If you argue well, it is even possible to feel closer. Unfortunately, people are often more focused on “winning” than understanding. This often occurs when the intensity of the anger becomes greater than the desire to seek meaningful solutions. With this in mind, we need to develop strategies to decrease the intensity of the anger and increase our ability to listen to one another.

Learn to Cool Off

Learning to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you is an important skill to develop. Instead of allowing your anger to build up until you “explode,” it is more productive to disengage until you are able to think clearly and feel at the same time.

Once both people in an argument have “cooled off,” it is easier to re-engage and reach resolution. Unfortunately, many people want to “finish” the argument immediately, rather than allowing “time-outs” to occur. Frequently, this results in one person pursuing and the other person running away until they feel cornered. When this occurs, the argument often becomes destructive. Remember, in a relationship, you do not have to resolve everything “right now.” It is appropriate to cool off and re-engage when the anger has subsided.

Boundaries that Protect

Creating safety is essential for a relationship to thrive. The behaviors listed below are destructive and will harm the relationship. When we draw the line at these behaviors, we create a foundation that protects and respects the relationship.

  • No hitting
  • No cursing
  • No name-calling
  • No yelling
  • No throwing
  • Stay focused on one issue at a time

Commit to Resolving Issues

It is important to remember that calling a “time-out” does not mean that you never have to talk about the issue again. A designated time needs to be established to re-engage in the discussion. If you do not create a time to return to the discussion, the anger tends to re-emerge in later arguments. “Time-outs” only work if both people are committed to continuing the discussion until true understanding is reached.

A number of communication tools are available to help couples communicate with understanding and care. One of my favorite tools is L-O-V-E Conversations. If you are unable to work through issues without anger dominating your relationship, couples therapy can provide support, as well as healthy alternatives to address conflict.

In the following video, Bruce Muzik uses the metaphor of a game of tennis to illustrate healthy communication skills. His video is informative, witty, and fun to watch. Many of the couples I work with in my therapy practice have found this useful in their efforts to improve their communication skills.

Happily Ever After: Building Walls and Closing Cracks

Many of us want “happily ever after” relationships. How can we cultivate relationships that stand the test of time? Many marriage vows are based on commitment to the marriage that includes phrases such as “til death do us part,” and “in sickness and health.” Before marriage we often assume that we all know what “commitment” means. Oftentimes, however many people differ in their opinions about what it means to be “committed” in a relationship. Unless we talk openly about our assumptions, as well as the possible pitfalls that hinder a committed relationship, we can set ourselves up for disappointment.

Happily Ever AfterFirst, it is important in any relationship to begin by building a healthy foundation that includes protective walls around the relationship. Actively work to build trust, emotional connection, and intimacy with one another. A healthy marriage does not come naturally. It takes investment. A number of resources are available like books, videos, retreats, classes, couple’s counseling, and marriage seminars that offer great tools to cultivate love and also increase awareness of behaviors that damage trust and intimacy.

Happily Ever After
Photo by Samuel Zeller

Second, talk openly about how to protect the walls around the relationship. What are some “red flags” that can alert each partner that the marriage is in need of attention? Talk about how to approach one another when feeling disconnected or taken for granted. If we receive emotional support from someone outside the marriage other than our spouse, cracks begin to form in our walls and weaken the relationship. If it is difficult to approach one another, seek professional help to work through challenges or obstacles together.

Third, talk openly about the potential of temptation outside the marriage. Just because we are committed does not mean that we will not find someone else attractive. This is perfectly normal. How can we protect our relationship when we find someone else attractive, or when someone makes advances on us? Shirley Glass, author of “Not Just Friends,” offers a brief list of suggestions to consider:

  • Know that attraction is normal. But just because you feel it doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Being attracted to someone else doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong person. One of the measures of true commitment is that you don’t allow yourself to be pulled away from your priorities by distractions.
  • Don’t let yourself fantasize about what it would be like to be with that other person.
  • Don’t flirt.
  • Avoid risky situations. (Glass, 2004)

Above all, keep communication inside the walls of marriage. If outside support is needed, make it a rule to confide only in someone that puts the marriage first.

In her book, “Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” Shirley Glass has several quizes that offer warning signs that a partner may be on the slippery slope to an affair. The book also offers great insights on how to build healthy walls around the relationship and close cracks or openings that appear.

Quiz: Is Your On-line Friendship Too Friendly?

What are the warning signs that you (or your partner) are on the slippery slope to an on-line affair? Take this quiz and see:

  1. Do you find yourself coming to bed later at night because you are chatting on-line?
  2. Do you ever exit a screen because you do not want a family member to see what you are reading or writing to a chat room member?
  3. Have you ever lied to your spouse about your personal Internet activities?
  4. Would you feel uncomfortable sharing your Internet correspondence with your spouse?
  5. Have you ever set up a separate e-mail account or credit cared to carry on personal correspondence with an individual on-line?
  6. Has your Internet correspondence had a negative effect on your work or household tasks?
  7. Have you ever lied in response to a question from your spouse about your e-mail correspondence?
  8. Have you ever exchanged photos of yourself with a secret e-mail correspondent?
  9. Since beginning a secret e-mail correspondence, have you ever experienced a loss or an unusual increase in sexual desire with your spouse?
  10. Have you made arrangements to talk secretly on the phone with your e-mail correspondent?
  11. Have you made arrangements to meet with your secret e-mail correspondent?

Scoring Key:

Two or more yes answers to questions 1,2,3,4 indicate a potential Internet romance developing. It is time to either share your on-line correspondence with your mate or break off the correspondence and begin to examine how to improve your marriage.

A yes answer to any of questions 5,6,7 indicates you are crossing a boundary from an Internet friendship to an Internet romance. Acknowledge this relationship for what it is about to become and take action to preserve and enhance your marriage.

A yes to questions 8 or 9 indicates you have begun a fantasy romantic relationship with your on-line correspondent. Even if it never moves to a physical stage, this relationship has great potential to damage or destroy your marriage.

A yes to questions 10 or 11 indicates that you have taken positive action toward initiating an extramarital affair. Consider the impact this will have on the marriage and your children and take steps to sort this out with a professional. (Glass, 2004)

A “happily ever after” relationship goes through a number of ups and downs. It takes investment, a willingness to be open, and a good amount of courage. Healthy walls take work and need to be maintained daily in order to grow a life-long relationship.

(Reproduced with permission from Fuller Life Family Therapy)

Jennifer Christian CounselingJennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

5 Ways to Maintain Boundaries with Difficult People

I recently wrote a blog post, “Wonder Woman Learns Healthy Boundaries,” about how to create healthy relational boundaries and why it is an essential practice. I planned to write an article on ways to maintain boundaries with difficult people… and then I came across “5 Ways to Maintain Boundaries with Difficult People” By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

She shares several guidelines that provide guidance and support for anyone struggling with a difficult relationship.

Excerpt from 5 Ways to Maintain Boundaries with Difficult People:

“When you doubt your own importance, you’re allowing the manipulations of difficult people to gain a foothold,” said Ryan Howes, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, Calif. “However, when you understand that your time, money, dignity and needs are vital to your well-being, it’s easier to tune out people who want to break your boundaries.” Read more…»

 

Trust is Built One Marble at a Time

“Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself, and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That’s what real love amounts to: letting a person be what he really is.” Jim Morrison

My life has been a constant stream of transitions. I have lived in more places than I can count. I do not even know where I went to kindergarten. By the time I landed in college, I could list numerous towns and cities in seven separate states as well as Kenya, East Africa. I was ecstatic and relieved when I finally celebrated a major milestone of living four entire years in the same location during college.

The concept of developing close friendships was a mystery to me. I was perpetually the new kid on the block. The only tools I knew to navigate constant transition were either fit in or stay as invisible as possible. If you have ever seen The Princess Diaries, I was much like the main character, Mia, at the beginning of the movie, doing my best to hide so that I could protect myself from unpredictability. But in order to do this you have to master some pretty uncomfortable skills. When you look up related synonyms to “fitting in” and being “invisible” this is what pops up:

Fitting in:

  • don’t make waves
  • don’t rock the boat
  • bear with
  • defer to
  • play the game

Invisible:

  • inperceivable
  • unnoticeable
  • ill-defined
  • unapparent
  • unreal

Ouch. Not a very whole-hearted approach to living life. Over the years, the exhausting effort to fit in and remain invisible made it challenging and even made it seem dangerous to learn the skills related to authenticity and risking intimate relationships.

I craved deeper connection, but was unsure how to go about making friends. Thankfully, meaningful friendships did happen organically over the years, but I wondered if I was missing something. I could not figure out how to be friends with everyone and still be myself. In the search for friendship, there were times I ended up hurt and confused… times when I tried to open up and be myself, but instead ended up as material for someone’s gossip.

Time For Some Boundary Work

Then, I had a daughter.

As Reese began to navigate the friend arena, her challenges gave me extra incentive to learn more about how to create deep meaningful friendships. In my search for understanding, I began to notice the important connection between relationships and boundaries.

When Reese was in fourth grade she went through a period of several painful months with one particular girl. I will call her Cindy. Reese wanted to be friends with everyone, and Cindy was no exception. Each time they got together to play, Cindy would ask Reese personal questions like: “What boys do you like?” or “What do you think about the new girl in class?” and Reese would tell Cindy all of her “secrets.” Each time Reese confided intimate details, Cindy would turn around and tell the kids at school. This happened on several occasions. Reese would end up devastated and confused about friendship, and she began to wonder if she could trust anyone.

As a mother, it hurt to see my daughter hurting. I wanted to offer some insight that could help her be her unique, authentic self while also providing protection from continued exposure to harm.

Gratefully at the time I was listening to Brené Brown’s “ITIWJM (I Thought It Was Just Me) Read-Along” podcast. In one of the podcasts, Brené explored the idea that connection is something that is built over time. She used the metaphor of “Marble Jar Friends” to explain how family and friends earn the right to be in meaningful relationships.

What is a Marble Jar?

Some teachers use a marble jar with their class as an incentive for good behavior. When the class behaves and works hard, the teacher adds a marble to the jar. When the class misbehaves, the teacher removes a marble. When the marble jar fills to the top, it is time to celebrate! The kids win something special like a pizza or ice cream party.

Likewise, when you meet someone for the first time, you start off with an “empty marble jar.” You do not have any experiences together. You cannot know whether or not this person will be trustworthy and treat you with care. As you spend time together, you begin to “collect” experiences. With each positive interaction, marbles are added to the jar. For each negative interaction, marbles are taken away. When you have a hefty marble jar of shared experiences with someone, you have a good sense that it is okay to be yourself with this person.

“Whenever someone supports you, or is kind to you, or sticks up for you, or honors what you share with them as private, you put marbles in the jar. When people are mean, or disrespectful, or share your secrets, marbles come out… Trust is built one marble at a time.” Brené Brown

Room for Forgiveness

Another thing I like about the metaphor of the marble jar is that it leaves room for mistakes. All relationships are imperfect. We will occasionally mess up and experience misunderstandings. I do not have to cut off every single person in my life to protect myself from hurt. When I have a hefty marble jar of shared experience with someone, but then experience conflict, I might take out a marble or two. However, there are still plenty of marbles left to indicate that this person is worth giving a second chance.

Destructive Relationships

But… if you only take “marbles” out of the jar and continually experience harmful interactions, this person is treating your relationship as disposable and will not treat you with care. If you are vulnerable and open in this relationship, you will be exposed to harm.

“The bottom line: if the friendship feels good, it is good. But if a person tries to control you, criticizes you, abuses your generosity, or brings unwanted danger, drama, or negative influences into your life, it’s time to take a hard look at the value of the friendship. A good friendship does not require you to act against your own values, always agree with the other person, or disregard your own needs.” (helpguide.org)

The marble jar illustration helped Reese to understand that she would be exposed to harm if she continued to confide in Cindy. She also learned that she does not need to close herself off from everyone. Over a period of time, friendships built on trust can be a place to express your own unique, authentic self.

I Cannot Be Friends with Everyone

I learned from experience that it is not possible to be friends with everyone and still be myself. The truth is, everyone cannot be my friend, and that is okay. Meaningful friendships are precious and rare.

The best part of going through this with my daughter is what I learned about myself. I realized I already know how to have wonderful friends… friends that like me for me. And, it is okay to be me. I can relax and give myself permission to enjoy those precious relationships and not worry about the unrealistic expectation of trying to fit in and please everyone.

Marble Jar Boundary Exercise

Remember every relationship starts off as an empty “marble jar.” The following questions from helpguide.org are helpful in determining when to add marbles and when to take them away. When you have a hefty marble jar of shared experiences with someone, you will have a good sense that it is okay to be yourself in this relationship.

  • Do I feel better after spending time with this person?
  • Do I feel free to be myself around this person?
  • Do I feel safe, or do I feel like I have to watch what I say and do?
  • Is the person supportive of me? Does he or she treat me with respect?
  • Is this a person I feel that I could trust?

Brene Brown’s TED talk on Vulnerability is another excellent resource for building deeper, meaningful connections in your relationships:

Jennifer Christian CounselingJennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Four Ways to Build Trust with Your Partner

As the garage door closes, our teenagers start their drive to school and my husband and I sink into our respective chairs with a nice cup of coffee. Catch a breath. Sigh. I smile at this moment, grateful for 25 years, a wild roller coaster of dating and marriage.

Twenty-five years… the exhilaration of falling in love, learning about one another, painful moments, fun moments, intense loss, small children, exhaustion, moving to new places, difficult job situations, and so much more. We are different people than we were on the day we met.

I sit here and wonder, “How do we still love each other after all these years?” As I look back, I know it has taken hard work to build trust that we will continue to be here for each other.

Trust is Built Slowly

Trust is built slowly over time. During those first weeks, months, and years, we did not know each other well enough to be sure. We had hopes, doubts, and experienced concerns that are common for any new couple:

  • Can I trust you to be here for me when I am upset?
  • Can I trust you to choose me over your family and friends?
  • Can I trust you not to take drugs?
  • Can I trust you to work and co-support our family?
  • Can I trust you to help me around the house?
  • Can I trust you to be involved with our children?

We needed to keep showing up for each other. As the years passed, moment-by-moment, trial and error, good times and bad, we built a relationship of trust.

How Do I Build Trust in My Relationship?

The following are four powerful ways to build trust in your relationship. The great thing about relationships is there is always room to experiment and grow.

  1. Listen – When my husband tries to understand me, I feel loved, seen, and heard. “Tell me more” is another way of saying, “I love you.” When we first got married, we did not have a clue how to listen to each other, so we tried a couple’s workshop and practiced some helpful listening skills. We still use those skills, and it helps. There are a number of great communication exercises to try. One of my personal favorites is “L-O-V-E Conversations.”
  2. Gratitude – Several years ago, we decided to add the habit of gratitude to our marriage. I am not overstating the case when I say that this practice alone has become one of the major contributors to our level of satisfaction. I began to notice the little things that mean so much: a cuddle before bed, an evening walk, the bristle of my husband’s whiskers on my face, the sound of his laughter, the warmth of his presence when I feel sad, etc. A recent Psychology Today article affirmed my personal experience. Gratitude makes a difference:

“New studies support the idea that gratitude is an integral part of healthy relationships. As marriages move past the honeymoon stage, couples go from appreciating and loving every little detail about each other to taking each other for granted. Researchers concluded that a nourishing cycle of encouragement and appreciation provides extra incentive to maintain our relationships. In other words, when we appreciate our partners, we develop trust and respect. When we feel appreciated, we feel needed and encouraged.”

  1. Turn Toward – In a recent lecture, relationship expert John Gottman shared the most important component of trust, “Turning Toward.” This has been such an important practice in my own marriage. Although, I have occasionally missed my husband’s signals, I really try. When he says, “Look at the beautiful sunset,” it is a cue for me to stop what I am doing for a moment and share something that is meaningful to my husband. Or when I say, “I feel sad today,” he has an opportunity to “turn toward” and comfort me with his presence, or turn away and avoid a potentially uncomfortable conversation.

Gottman explains, “Trust is built in very small moments, which I call sliding door moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connection with our partner or turning away from our partner. Trust is a collection of “turning toward” moments: turning toward and connecting with your partner, instead of just thinking about what I want. If you always choose to turn away, trust erodes.”

  1. Boundaries – Creating boundaries around the marriage is essential for building trust. When you talk openly about potential pitfalls, you can create practices that protect your relationship. Let’s be real. At some point, you might be attracted to someone else. It happens. But that does not mean that your marriage has to be put in danger. Talk openly with your partner and come up with ways to be transparent and accountable. When we were first married, my husband knew that he would sometimes be alone with a woman in his office. He purposefully installed a window in his door and made sure that his assistant was present when he had appointments. Shirley Glass, author of “Not Just Friends,” offers a brief list of suggestions to consider:
  • Know that attraction is normal. But just because you feel it doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Being attracted to someone else doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong person. One of the measures of true commitment is that you don’t allow yourself to be pulled away from your priorities by distractions.
  • Don’t let yourself fantasize about what it would be like to be with that other person.
  • Don’t flirt.
  • Avoid risky situations. (Glass, 2004)

As I take another sip of coffee, I remind myself that trust is an essential element of a healthy relationship. It takes a lot of work. It does not happen immediately and takes intentionality.

In my next post, I will explore four more practices that have been shown to build trust and have been helpful in my own marriage.

 

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is based on balance. It requires being forthright about our wants and needs while still considering the rights, needs, and wants of others. When we practice assertiveness, we ask for what we want and realize that other’s needs and wants are equally important. Assertive people practice fairness and empathy with themselves and others. The power we use comes from self-assurance and not from intimidation or bullying. When we treat others with dignity and respect, we are likely to get that same treatment in return.

The following “Personal Bill of Rights” is from Edmund Bourne’s assertiveness exercises:

  1. I have the right to ask for what I need.
  2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
  3. I have the right to express my feelings, both positive and negative.
  4. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
  5. I have the right to change my mind.
  6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
  7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
  8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
  9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
  10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
  11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
  12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
  13. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid.”
  14. I have the right to say “I don’t know.
  15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
  16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
  17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
  18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
  19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
  20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
  21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
  22. I have the right to change and grow.
  23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
  24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
  25. I have the right to be happy.

Bourne, E. J. (2005). The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, 4th Edition. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.