Healthy relationships are built by cultivating trust. But, what does that mean? In her recent talk, “The Anatomy of Trust,” Dr. Brené Brown shares key components that are the hallmarks of trusting relationships with others and with yourself.
In her talk, Brené shares Charles Feltman’s “most beautiful definition of trust:”
“Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.”
Brené continues: “Feltman says the opposite is the essence of distrust: “What I’ve shared with you, that is important to me, is not safe with you.”
Basically, “When we trust, we are braving connection with someone. So what is trust?” Brené gives us the acronym BRAVING, which forms the anatomy of trust:
(“THERE IS NOT TRUST WITHOUT BOUNDARIES.”)
(“I CAN ONLY TRUST YOU IF YOU DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU’LL DO” AGAIN AND AGAIN.)
(“I CAN ONLY TRUST YOU IF WHEN YOU MAKE A MISTAKE, YOU’RE WILLING TO OWN IT, APOLOGIZE FOR IT AND MAKE AMENDS. I CAN ONLY TRUST YOU IF WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE, I AM ALLOWED TO OWN IT, APOLOGIZE AND MAKE AMENDS.”)
(KEEPING A CONFIDENCE)
(BROWN’S DEFINITION OF INTEGRITY: “CHOOSING COURAGE OVER COMFORT, CHOOSING WHAT’S RIGHT OVER WHAT’S FUN, FAST OR EASY, AND PRACTICING YOUR VALUES NOT JUST PROFESSING YOUR VALUES.”)
(YOU AND I BOTH CAN STRUGGLE AND ASK FOR HELP)
(“OUR RELATIONSHIP IS ONLY A TRUSTING RELATIONSHIP IF YOU CAN ASSUME THE MOST GENEROUS THING ABOUT MY WORDS, INTENTIONS AND BEHAVIORS. AND THEN CHECK IN WITH ME.”)
I am excited to introduce everyone to Waymon and his wife Charla. Waymon is a licensed psychologist and marriage and family therapist, a researcher, and an advocate in matters related to social justice. I recently asked Waymon to contribute some thoughts about how kindness impacts the marriage relationship from the perspective of a marriage and family therapist. Waymon blew me away when he and his wife Charla decided to go even further and authentically share how kindness has impacted their own marriage of 47 years. Thank you, Waymon and Charla, for your generous contribution and the gift of your transparency:
By Charla and Waymon Hinson
Kindness in marriage? What is it? How does it get shown? We have wondered about these questions and have enjoyed the discussion and hopefully our marriage will be stronger as a result. Since the earliest of days of our marriage, we have been a highly ritualized couple. We have been intentional about these matters. From the earliest days of our 47 years of marriage to each other, we have created rituals, or patterns, around daily events as well as celebrations that signify to each other that those things matter and that we within the circle of those behaviors matter uniquely to each other.
For me, Waymon, as a theologian, I want to make sense out of relational matters within a framework that fits us both. That, for me, is related to Shalom (peace). In the garden there was Shalom between the first woman, man, and their God, and within their world as it was created. Once selfishness came in, the opposite of kindness, things got crazy, and here we are. So, in our day to day lives, I think, we attempt to create Shalom in small ways each day.
A second idea comes from the biblical text in Ephesians 5: “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” The words for submission and love, both inferred and made explicit in this lengthy text, can be defined as “being lovingly response to the needs of the other person unconditionally.” If that is the case, kindness, generosity, love, and loving responses can guide the day and its decisions, in the big things and the smaller things. Sometimes, as we all know, the little things are really the big things. Kindness and love mean taking that first step together.
For me, Charla, I do not give a lot of thought to the theology of things like that. That’s the way he thinks, but not me. I just want to do well before my Lord and Savior. If God is pleased with things, then so am I.
In our early days now of “retirement,” those patterns with their meaning for us continue with an extra sweetness. While our human frailties certainly come out way too often, generosity of heart and spirit also come out. For us, kindness involves giving each other the freedom to do that which is uniquely our calling. For us, kindness also involves the reconnection of ourselves at specific planned and random times during the day. For instance, Charla graces me, Waymon, with time in the morning for reflection, reading, writing, and other creative things. Words are not exchanged until breakfast time. Then, we share in the morning meal and ritual. Thankfully, I, Charla, cook, because he is not very good at that. Also, with gratitude, I know that he will make our coffee because he is good at that, and then we’ll pray, eat, read the newspaper, plan the day, and read a section from a spiritually oriented book. That is not Waymon’s choice, but because of his kindness, we do it.
The whole love languages conversation fits here, it seems to us. Each of us has a preferred way of receiving love. I, Charla, am very action oriented, so a way he shows kindness to me is doing action-oriented things that show his love for me, or that “acts of service” thing. A kind thing for him to do is to vacuum the floors or take out the trash without being asked. Since words of affirmation are also important to me, using affirming language in meaningful ways, saying words of gratitude, for instance, is another way of showing kindness to me. Words of affirmation after a time with our youngest grandson or after a well-planned out meal are important to me.
Since Waymon’s love language is also about words of affirmation, I, Charla, know to encourage his advocacy efforts or his writing efforts with words of encouragement, and there is another kindness done. Another of his love languages is time together, so, I know that watching ball games with him or sitting and drinking coffee Saturday mornings is a kindness that I give to him.
These are just a couple of slices in time for us. We believe that kindness and generosity are interwoven with what we say, do, think, and feel toward each other. Each other with God as our witness is the focus of kind actions, thoughts, and emotions.
Out of kindness, generosity, and mutual respect, we develop a spirit of “us” that guides our decisions and behaviors. “Us-ness” is critically important to us, and with a spirit of kindness and generosity, we are very careful to do those things that encourages that spirit of “us.” Thanks to Terry Hargrave for coaching us on this point. Kindness says that Waymon likes baseball, so “us” likes baseball. Kindness says that Charla likes fixer upper shows, and so the “us” in the relationship likes those things. Individually we might not like baseball or HGTV, but the “us” in our relationship really likes baseball and HGTV. Kindness also encourages the other to see personal goals and ambitions that only serve to make better the couple relationship. Waymon has his friends and interests. Charla has her friends and interests. At the end of the day, we always come together, back to where we started.
This has been a curious exercise for both of us as we have discussed and looked into our marriage and how kindness is a part of who we are and what we do.
Join Our Kindness Community:
Last week, marriage and family therapist, Diana Walla graciously contributed a guest post, The Gift of Uncertainty.
I have noticed there seems to be way too much advice about relationships. If you struggle in your relationship, the conflicting opinions can feel frustrating and overwhelming. John Gottman’s recent article, “Debunking 12 Myths About Relationships,” is a helpful resource in sorting through advice that is actually helpful from the advice that causes harm. Over the past 30 years, John Gottman has studied extensively the practices that actually makes relationships thrive.
“I’ve found many myths about relationships that are not only false but potentially destructive. They are dangerous because they can lead couples down the wrong path, or worse, convince them that their marriage is a hopeless case. The notion that you can save your relationship just by learning to communicate more sensitively is probably the most widely held misconception about happy marriages, but it’s hardly the only one.” (John Gottman, Debunking 12 Myths About Relationships)
Check out John Gottman’s article by clicking on this link: Debunking 12 Myths About Relationships
In his recent article, “The Difference Between Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Communication,” Guy Harris discusses the impact communication has on the health of relationships. He offers helpful insights into the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive styles of communication and to create healthier conversations.
“Communication breakdowns are a common cause for conflict, and poor communication strategies can lead to rapid escalation. Likewise, effective communication strategies can help you correct these miscommunications to move conflicts quickly towards resolution.
One idea that can help you choose the best communication strategy for the situation comes from what I call the communication continuum.” (Guy Harris, The Difference Between Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Communication) Read more….
As the garage door closes, our teenagers start their drive to school and my husband and I sink into our respective chairs with a nice cup of coffee. Catch a breath. Sigh. I smile at this moment, grateful for 25 years, a wild roller coaster of dating and marriage.
Twenty-five years… the exhilaration of falling in love, learning about one another, painful moments, fun moments, intense loss, small children, exhaustion, moving to new places, difficult job situations, and so much more. We are different people than we were on the day we met.
I sit here and wonder, “How do we still love each other after all these years?” As I look back, I know it has taken hard work to build trust that we will continue to be here for each other.
Trust is Built Slowly
Trust is built slowly over time. During those first weeks, months, and years, we did not know each other well enough to be sure. We had hopes, doubts, and experienced concerns that are common for any new couple:
- Can I trust you to be here for me when I am upset?
- Can I trust you to choose me over your family and friends?
- Can I trust you not to take drugs?
- Can I trust you to work and co-support our family?
- Can I trust you to help me around the house?
- Can I trust you to be involved with our children?
We needed to keep showing up for each other. As the years passed, moment-by-moment, trial and error, good times and bad, we built a relationship of trust.
How Do I Build Trust in My Relationship?
The following are four powerful ways to build trust in your relationship. The great thing about relationships is there is always room to experiment and grow.
- Listen – When my husband tries to understand me, I feel loved, seen, and heard. “Tell me more” is another way of saying, “I love you.” When we first got married, we did not have a clue how to listen to each other, so we tried a couple’s workshop and practiced some helpful listening skills. We still use those skills, and it helps. There are a number of great communication exercises to try. One of my personal favorites is “L-O-V-E Conversations.”
- Gratitude – Several years ago, we decided to add the habit of gratitude to our marriage. I am not overstating the case when I say that this practice alone has become one of the major contributors to our level of satisfaction. I began to notice the little things that mean so much: a cuddle before bed, an evening walk, the bristle of my husband’s whiskers on my face, the sound of his laughter, the warmth of his presence when I feel sad, etc. A recent Psychology Today article affirmed my personal experience. Gratitude makes a difference:
“New studies support the idea that gratitude is an integral part of healthy relationships. As marriages move past the honeymoon stage, couples go from appreciating and loving every little detail about each other to taking each other for granted. Researchers concluded that a nourishing cycle of encouragement and appreciation provides extra incentive to maintain our relationships. In other words, when we appreciate our partners, we develop trust and respect. When we feel appreciated, we feel needed and encouraged.”
- Turn Toward – In a recent lecture, relationship expert John Gottman shared the most important component of trust, “Turning Toward.” This has been such an important practice in my own marriage. Although, I have occasionally missed my husband’s signals, I really try. When he says, “Look at the beautiful sunset,” it is a cue for me to stop what I am doing for a moment and share something that is meaningful to my husband. Or when I say, “I feel sad today,” he has an opportunity to “turn toward” and comfort me with his presence, or turn away and avoid a potentially uncomfortable conversation.
Gottman explains, “Trust is built in very small moments, which I call sliding door moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connection with our partner or turning away from our partner. Trust is a collection of “turning toward” moments: turning toward and connecting with your partner, instead of just thinking about what I want. If you always choose to turn away, trust erodes.”
- Boundaries – Creating boundaries around the marriage is essential for building trust. When you talk openly about potential pitfalls, you can create practices that protect your relationship. Let’s be real. At some point, you might be attracted to someone else. It happens. But that does not mean that your marriage has to be put in danger. Talk openly with your partner and come up with ways to be transparent and accountable. When we were first married, my husband knew that he would sometimes be alone with a woman in his office. He purposefully installed a window in his door and made sure that his assistant was present when he had appointments. Shirley Glass, author of “Not Just Friends,” offers a brief list of suggestions to consider:
- Know that attraction is normal. But just because you feel it doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Being attracted to someone else doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong person. One of the measures of true commitment is that you don’t allow yourself to be pulled away from your priorities by distractions.
- Don’t let yourself fantasize about what it would be like to be with that other person.
- Don’t flirt.
- Avoid risky situations. (Glass, 2004)
As I take another sip of coffee, I remind myself that trust is an essential element of a healthy relationship. It takes a lot of work. It does not happen immediately and takes intentionality.
In my next post, I will explore four more practices that have been shown to build trust and have been helpful in my own marriage.
Gratitude is an essential part of healthy relationships. When we practice daily gratitude with our partner, it is less likely that we will take each other for granted.
Psychology Today explores the benefits of gratitude in relationships in the recent article, “Does Gratitude Matter in Marriage?“