Self-Care Houston, Episode 13: Randi Rubenstein joins Jennifer in a conversation about self-care and what that means as a mom. Randi and Jennifer talk about their own experiences as moms and how they continue to learn what self-care looks like in the context of a marriage and family. Randi is the author of “The Parent Gap,” and a fellow mama in the trenches that facilitates transformational teacher trainings and parent coaching since 2007. Randi helps parents replace negative patterns such as threats, bribing and name calling with a new positive parenting toolbox that inspires rather than backfires during the teen years. Subscribe in iTunes.
Resources from this Episode
Self-Care Houston, Episode 12: Dr. Jeff Christian joins Jennifer in a conversation about how to build communities of trust within a larger culture that cultivates distrust. How can we build resilient practices into our marriages, families, and local communities that will help us address challenges in healthier ways? Jeff is the preaching minister at the Bering Drive Church of Christ in the Galleria area of Houston. Subscribe in iTunes.
Brené Brown’s talk, “The Anatomy of Trust“
David Steindl-Rast’s TED talk, “Want to Be Happy? Be Grateful“
Healthy relationships are built by cultivating trust. But, what does that mean? In her recent talk, “The Anatomy of Trust,” Dr. Brené Brown shares key components that are the hallmarks of trusting relationships with others and with yourself.
In her talk, Brené shares Charles Feltman’s “most beautiful definition of trust:”
“Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.”
Brené continues: “Feltman says the opposite is the essence of distrust: “What I’ve shared with you, that is important to me, is not safe with you.”
Basically, “When we trust, we are braving connection with someone. So what is trust?” Brené gives us the acronym BRAVING, which forms the anatomy of trust:
(“THERE IS NOT TRUST WITHOUT BOUNDARIES.”)
(“I CAN ONLY TRUST YOU IF YOU DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU’LL DO” AGAIN AND AGAIN.)
(“I CAN ONLY TRUST YOU IF WHEN YOU MAKE A MISTAKE, YOU’RE WILLING TO OWN IT, APOLOGIZE FOR IT AND MAKE AMENDS. I CAN ONLY TRUST YOU IF WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE, I AM ALLOWED TO OWN IT, APOLOGIZE AND MAKE AMENDS.”)
(KEEPING A CONFIDENCE)
(BROWN’S DEFINITION OF INTEGRITY: “CHOOSING COURAGE OVER COMFORT, CHOOSING WHAT’S RIGHT OVER WHAT’S FUN, FAST OR EASY, AND PRACTICING YOUR VALUES NOT JUST PROFESSING YOUR VALUES.”)
(YOU AND I BOTH CAN STRUGGLE AND ASK FOR HELP)
(“OUR RELATIONSHIP IS ONLY A TRUSTING RELATIONSHIP IF YOU CAN ASSUME THE MOST GENEROUS THING ABOUT MY WORDS, INTENTIONS AND BEHAVIORS. AND THEN CHECK IN WITH ME.”)
Self-Care Houston, Episode 6: Daniel Scholl joins Jennifer Christian in a conversation about empowering individuals, couples, and families to sustain ongoing financial stability. Daniel also shares how we can overcome obstacles that get in the way of achieving our financial goals. Daniel is the program manager for financial coaching at Family Houston. Subscribe in iTunes.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Self-Care Houston, Episode 4: Chau Nguyen joins Jennifer in a conversation about abusive relationships, important resources and self-care. Chau is a social worker and the chief marketing officer at Houston Area Womens Center. Subscribe in iTunes.
Resources from Podcast:
- Domestic Violence Hotline: 713-528-2121
- Rape Crisis Hotline: 713-528-7273
- Houston Area Women’s Center
- Emotionally Destructive Relationship Quiz, by Leslie Vernick
- Leslie Vernick’s resources and videos for empowering survivors
- Private Online Support Group with Trained Advocates
- More Resources
I am excited to introduce everyone to Waymon and his wife Charla. Waymon is a licensed psychologist and marriage and family therapist, a researcher, and an advocate in matters related to social justice. I recently asked Waymon to contribute some thoughts about how kindness impacts the marriage relationship from the perspective of a marriage and family therapist. Waymon blew me away when he and his wife Charla decided to go even further and authentically share how kindness has impacted their own marriage of 47 years. Thank you, Waymon and Charla, for your generous contribution and the gift of your transparency:
By Charla and Waymon Hinson
Kindness in marriage? What is it? How does it get shown? We have wondered about these questions and have enjoyed the discussion and hopefully our marriage will be stronger as a result. Since the earliest of days of our marriage, we have been a highly ritualized couple. We have been intentional about these matters. From the earliest days of our 47 years of marriage to each other, we have created rituals, or patterns, around daily events as well as celebrations that signify to each other that those things matter and that we within the circle of those behaviors matter uniquely to each other.
For me, Waymon, as a theologian, I want to make sense out of relational matters within a framework that fits us both. That, for me, is related to Shalom (peace). In the garden there was Shalom between the first woman, man, and their God, and within their world as it was created. Once selfishness came in, the opposite of kindness, things got crazy, and here we are. So, in our day to day lives, I think, we attempt to create Shalom in small ways each day.
A second idea comes from the biblical text in Ephesians 5: “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” The words for submission and love, both inferred and made explicit in this lengthy text, can be defined as “being lovingly response to the needs of the other person unconditionally.” If that is the case, kindness, generosity, love, and loving responses can guide the day and its decisions, in the big things and the smaller things. Sometimes, as we all know, the little things are really the big things. Kindness and love mean taking that first step together.
For me, Charla, I do not give a lot of thought to the theology of things like that. That’s the way he thinks, but not me. I just want to do well before my Lord and Savior. If God is pleased with things, then so am I.
In our early days now of “retirement,” those patterns with their meaning for us continue with an extra sweetness. While our human frailties certainly come out way too often, generosity of heart and spirit also come out. For us, kindness involves giving each other the freedom to do that which is uniquely our calling. For us, kindness also involves the reconnection of ourselves at specific planned and random times during the day. For instance, Charla graces me, Waymon, with time in the morning for reflection, reading, writing, and other creative things. Words are not exchanged until breakfast time. Then, we share in the morning meal and ritual. Thankfully, I, Charla, cook, because he is not very good at that. Also, with gratitude, I know that he will make our coffee because he is good at that, and then we’ll pray, eat, read the newspaper, plan the day, and read a section from a spiritually oriented book. That is not Waymon’s choice, but because of his kindness, we do it.
The whole love languages conversation fits here, it seems to us. Each of us has a preferred way of receiving love. I, Charla, am very action oriented, so a way he shows kindness to me is doing action-oriented things that show his love for me, or that “acts of service” thing. A kind thing for him to do is to vacuum the floors or take out the trash without being asked. Since words of affirmation are also important to me, using affirming language in meaningful ways, saying words of gratitude, for instance, is another way of showing kindness to me. Words of affirmation after a time with our youngest grandson or after a well-planned out meal are important to me.
Since Waymon’s love language is also about words of affirmation, I, Charla, know to encourage his advocacy efforts or his writing efforts with words of encouragement, and there is another kindness done. Another of his love languages is time together, so, I know that watching ball games with him or sitting and drinking coffee Saturday mornings is a kindness that I give to him.
These are just a couple of slices in time for us. We believe that kindness and generosity are interwoven with what we say, do, think, and feel toward each other. Each other with God as our witness is the focus of kind actions, thoughts, and emotions.
Out of kindness, generosity, and mutual respect, we develop a spirit of “us” that guides our decisions and behaviors. “Us-ness” is critically important to us, and with a spirit of kindness and generosity, we are very careful to do those things that encourages that spirit of “us.” Thanks to Terry Hargrave for coaching us on this point. Kindness says that Waymon likes baseball, so “us” likes baseball. Kindness says that Charla likes fixer upper shows, and so the “us” in the relationship likes those things. Individually we might not like baseball or HGTV, but the “us” in our relationship really likes baseball and HGTV. Kindness also encourages the other to see personal goals and ambitions that only serve to make better the couple relationship. Waymon has his friends and interests. Charla has her friends and interests. At the end of the day, we always come together, back to where we started.
This has been a curious exercise for both of us as we have discussed and looked into our marriage and how kindness is a part of who we are and what we do.
Join Our Kindness Community:
Last week, marriage and family therapist, Diana Walla graciously contributed a guest post, The Gift of Uncertainty.
I am excited to do something a little different this week. Kim Fredrickson, counselor and author of the book, Give Yourself a Break: Turning Your Inner Critic into a Compassionate Friend, graciously contributed a guest post as part of the conversation going on in the Kindness Community, A Word Imagined. Her message is both inspirational and healing for me personally and to many throughout the world. Thank you, Kim, for blessing us with your generous contribution:
Healing Power of Kindness
I’m so blessed to offer words of compassion and kindness today. Our world desperately needs the healing power of kindness. We need kindness when we are hurt, and we need kindness when we are the ones doing the hurting.
But how do we muster kindness for others from within? How do we speak words of compassion to others when our own inner critic speaks so loudly about our own mistakes and faults? That is the question…
The well of kindness we want to give others starts with a more compassionate relationship with ourselves.
A Compassionate Friend
Being a compassionate friend to ourselves helps us become better friends, spouses, parents, bosses and co-workers. We have more love and energy to give others when we are in a more settled place inside and aren’t wasting time and energy fighting with our inner critic.
But wait! Isn’t this just being selfish and self-centered? The answer is a resounding “No.” Jesus knew we’d have trouble figuring this out, so He explained it here:
Mark 12:28–31 says: One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”
“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’
The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
Jesus was asked which commandment was the greatest and He gave them two commandments encompassed by one principle: Love.
Love God with everything in you. Love your neighbor, and use your model for loving them as the way you love yourself.
Wait! What? Our model for loving others is how we love ourselves? Uh oh! Wait…I’m judgmental toward myself for lots of things! Exactly.
Wanting to be kind toward others is good, very good. We can even sustain this effort for a while if we try really hard.
A Changed Heart
We need God’s love to permeate our heart, mind and soul. We need His love and kindness to fill us in order to share with others. But, His love for us alone isn’t enough. That is what He’s talking about in Mark 12 – Love is a three-part deal…love God, love yourself and love others. Unless we also learn to love ourselves and be compassionate with ourselves, our inner critic will sabotage our heartfelt efforts to be kind to others. The ways we are critical of ourselves will spill onto others. Without meaning to, we will judge others harshly for the things we’ve never forgiven ourselves for.
We cannot live a life of kindness, if we do not have kindness and compassion for ourselves. Until we face our own brokenness with compassion and forgiveness, we cannot truly love others in the ways we want for the long haul.
We want to be changed people, instruments of healing and love to this very broken world. We want to do this as a lifestyle, and pass it on to our children, friends, family and community for generations to come.
To live a life of kindness requires a changed heart.
Practicing self-compassion changes our heart. As I treat myself with the care and compassion I would give a good friend who is struggling, I have more love to give others.
Improve Well-being and Relationships
Many studies link the practice of self-compassion to an increase in emotional resiliency, self-worth and contentment; reduced stress and healthier relationships. We become better friends, spouses, parents, bosses, co-workers, etc. We handle disappointments more smoothly and understand our own humanness, which helps us handle the humanness of those around us.
Just as I am an imperfect person, with great worth and value, so are those around me. The internal transformation of accepting God’s love for us and then extending it to ourselves, sets the stage for the sharing of that love and kindness with others.
Don’t worry if you haven’t got a clue how to turn your inner critic into a compassionate friend. You can learn, and your heart, family, community and world will never be the same.
We can all share great ideas on how to build more positivity into our society. Join the conversation on our public Facebook group, A Word Imagined, to share ideas.
I have noticed there seems to be way too much advice about relationships. If you struggle in your relationship, the conflicting opinions can feel frustrating and overwhelming. John Gottman’s recent article, “Debunking 12 Myths About Relationships,” is a helpful resource in sorting through advice that is actually helpful from the advice that causes harm. Over the past 30 years, John Gottman has studied extensively the practices that actually makes relationships thrive.
“I’ve found many myths about relationships that are not only false but potentially destructive. They are dangerous because they can lead couples down the wrong path, or worse, convince them that their marriage is a hopeless case. The notion that you can save your relationship just by learning to communicate more sensitively is probably the most widely held misconception about happy marriages, but it’s hardly the only one.” (John Gottman, Debunking 12 Myths About Relationships)
Check out John Gottman’s article by clicking on this link: Debunking 12 Myths About Relationships
I often walk alongside couples struggling to understand what happened to the love they shared early on in their relationship. I find it comforting to know that all couples go through times of disorientation and that moving through this experience together can actually foster deeper love. Michael Fulfiler’s article “The 3 Phases of Love,” explains the transitions that promote growth in love relationships. The good news is that times of conflict and turbulence is a common experience for all couples:
What do you do if you love your partner, but you are no longer in love with your partner? Does the feeling of love transform or change over time? In his new book Principa Amoris: The New Science of Love, Dr. John Gottman explains that there are actually three natural phases of love. His research has shown that being in love is a very complex experience, and he has identified choice points in the life course when love may either progress to a deeper place, or deteriorate. (excerpt from The 3 Phases of Love)
For more, click on this link: The Three Phases of Love
If the title of this blog resonates with you, know that you are not alone. Many couples are currently navigating how to adapt to new technologies in a way that balances with their relationships. I have personally pondered this issue for a long time in my own experience with my husband. Our relationship began long before the advent of emails and texting. Like most couples in America, we acquired our first smartphones several years ago. We were thrilled at the ease of instant availability and connection. Then, our relationship subtly began to change. Often after a long day at work, we found ourselves mindlessly checking texts, playing a game, or messing with Facebook. We started to notice moments of irritation and even sadness seeping into our time together. What was happening? There was nothing wrong with playing a harmless game or checking work emails, so why did we find ourselves feeling frustrated with each other?
Around that time, I listened to a podcast where Sherry Turkle described the new challenges devices bring into the interactional patterns between partners, as well as parents and children. My husband and I began to take notice of the subtle impact our phones had on our interactions. We were not as attentive to each other, a little distracted, during down times and unstructured moments. We decided to experiment with ways to balance our technologies within our relationship in a way that protected the closeness we desired.
What are interactional patterns in relationships?
An interactional pattern happens when we make “bids” for connection, and those bids are either received or missed by our partners. A successful interaction happens when partners are emotionally responsive to each other’s bids. These unsuccessful interactions, these “missed bids,” begin to create little nagging insecurities and uncertainties about the relationship that can build over time.
What is a bid?
“Bids” are the active ingredient in a relationship. Gottman shows how people make bids in the fine grain of everyday life, often without knowing they are doing it: “Did you hear about…,” or “You’ll never guess what my sister told me today.” Much is happening all the time in the form of these signals that partners are often unaware they are sending. These signals—these bids—are nonverbal as well as verbal: a wink, a smile, a shoulder rub, a gentle shove, or a mutual look of understanding about a friend’s quirks. What matters, Gottman suggests, is not depth of intimacy in conversation, or even agreement or disagreement, but rather how people pay attention to each other no matter what they talk about or do. What matters is the quality of attention.” (Dan Wile, 2010)
What is emotional responsiveness and why is it important?
According to Sue Johnson, the key indicator of a secure bond is the presence of emotional responsiveness. In essence, emotional responsiveness is the ability to respond to our partner’s bids for connection. We need to know that our significant other is available and willing to be there when we need them. A useful tool to understand emotional responsiveness is the acronym A.R.E:
Accessibility – Can I reach you? Are you there for me?
Responsiveness – Can I rely on you to respond to me?
Engagement – Do I matter to you? (Johnson, 2008)
The fabric of our relationship is built on a consistent flow of checking in, often in tiny unstructured moments. Is my partner accessible? Can I count on him/her to be there when I need them? Do I matter? Our devices can impede the interactional flow between bids for connection and emotional responsiveness. We miss the subtle shifts in tone and nonverbal facial gestures that offer vital information. Relational interactions get out of sync when bids for connection are missed. Over time partners experience missed bids for connection as indifference and may stop bidding altogether. Multitasking connection can lead to disaster. Relationships thrive on full presence.
Smartphones are not going anywhere, and they serve many important functions in current life. However, I am reassured that my husband and I are not alone in navigating this new relationship with technology. Over the past couple of years, research has validated the potential problems that phone use can create with our emotional responsiveness to the people we love.
The most recent issue of Psychology Today explored some of the current challenges couples and families are facing in relationship with their technological devices; technoference, Iphone Effect, Absent Presence:
- Technoference (term coined by Sarah Coyne) – 70% of couples report that face-to-face conversations were stopped in their tracks by partner’s phone use or even active texting.
- IPhone Effect (term coined by Shalina Misra): The mere presence of a smartphone degrades private conversations making partners less willing to disclose their deep feelings and develop understanding.
- Absent Presence (term coined by Kenneth Gergen): smartphones fragment human consciousness and lower quality of conversation. The diminished empathy comes about through our habitual use of devises. Communication becomes marked by delayed responses and lack of eye contact. The rhythms of responsiveness and synchronicity of feelings degrades. What comes across is indifference. (Psychology Today)
How can I create balance between my relationships and my devices?
Smartphones may pull our attention, but we can implement changes that create the balance and closeness we desire. In my own relationship, we have found that it is essential to maintain awareness between the use of our phones and our ability to be available to each other. We continue to negotiate changes as needed any time we notice we are out of sync in our relationship or with our children.
I have also taken some time to talk with friends and family about their own challenges with balancing their relationships and technologies. I have learned some terrific ideas of things to try:
- Implement “cell free” zones at family meal times, running errands, and coffee time. My husband and I love our “cell free” coffee time every morning. We start off the day connected and in sync.
- Tech Sabbath (http://www.onbeing.org/program/tiffany-shlain-growing-up-the-internet/8545) – Take a day off each week from checking emails. Enjoy cooking together, folding laundry with the kids, running to soccer games, etc.
- Vacation responder – Set vacation responder while on vacation to protect the time with your partner/family.
- Airplane mode – A friend of mine who is a medical doctor set her phone on airplane mode during her family vacation. She was able to turn work off and soak in her time with her husband and children. When she turned her phone back on, she was inundated with texts and emails. But, she said it was worth it to be free of distractions and feel connected again with her family.
- One of my friends told me that he exchanged his smartphone for a flip phone for a couple of years. After time at work all day on a computer he wanted to create a break from emails and Facebook at home. He found that his time away from a smartphone now helps him use it when he needs it and set it aside more easily.
A great way to experiment and implement changes is to talk openly with the people you love. Psychology Today has a helpful list of discussion points to get you started on creating balance in a way that best fits your relationship:
- What are your expectations about tech use by your partner and by you?
- Exactly what kind of contact does each partner regard as cheating?
- What is appropriate to disclose about the relationship; about your spouse?
- Do you exchange passwords or not?
- Do you tell your partner whom you are texting?
- When is it okay to be anonymous online?
- What, if any, places in the home are off-limits to electronic devices?
- What are some potential times to set tech free zones?
- What are the rules for the car?
- When is it okay to post photos of your children?
- How much checking on each other is okay?
Some people, friends or coworkers, might not understand why you would turn your phone off or set aside times to be unavailable. That is okay. You are setting a protective boundary around those little moments of emotional connection with the people most precious to you. Remember you are not alone. These technologies are new and all of us are navigating how to adapt in a way that balances our relationships with the precious people in our lives.